Sometimes in life it happens that we face a challenge or we realise a problem within ourselves that really frightens us if we think about it; sometimes it may look so challenging you don’t know if you can overcome it and if you are like me and struggle at times to believe people can love unconditionally, it seems like it is some deep dark secret that you really do not want to let out lest it shatters the already cracked mirror that is life or what remains of it. And today for me or this blog is one of those kinds of questions that I really do not quite like about myself. The question simply remains or is “What is the colour of a chameleon?”
A lot of the time I have been innately aware of doing this; and at times I reasoned with myself and called it adaptability-the ability to be with everyone and not make anyone feel uncomfortable and un-offended, and the ability to remain relevant by trying more or less to speak everyone’s language as long as I was not cursing; or remaining silent when contrary opinions are given in the name of love and avoiding argument. I know what it is to nod along with people around me without carrying even a little of what they believe and how to seem like I agree when in my heart I know for a fact that I am in a far off place from where the current of the crowd is. But when the current is gone, and when you realise there is nothing to blend in with anymore, the question comes and asks what is the colour of a chameleon? Who am I when I have noone to try to blend in with and make it seem like I am like them or like I really really care about that sports scoreline? Does the chameleon really know what its colour is when there is nothing to imitate?
I mean honestly; for me now it is one of those moments where caught up in the waves, and I find I have no more interest to follow the current but I really seem to have lost or forgotten who I am with all the colour changes. Because you see, outside of this blog I often in public do not express what I believe; indeed what was a major reason in me starting was I really knew within I had beliefs and ideas or values that I believe ought to be lived but that I found noone saying and I knew I had to find a way of communicating it and admittedly it has been an amazing journey. I remember like yesterday the day I shared with some of my fellow atttachees my blog and it was my first post. Now I am nearly at a 100 and still going. But really now on the outside; in the life I live and in the relationships I hold most dear, I find myself confronted what is the colour of a chameleon?
For instance; I am only so passionate about soccer really because most guys are into it and it gives me something to talk about. I mean that is how the decision to go into it began anyway when I questioned the whole legitimacy of organized sports as an institution. I mean, at that point roundabout 2006 or so the only concern with soccer jersey’s for me was whether or not they looked good and I was more or less on a sabbatical from watching the entire thing. If you had asked me then for an honest answer concerning organized sport; I would have told you I consider it a shame that many a man live their entire lives finding meaning, joy and despair in a very religious manner from soccer or any other such sport. Do I think it is evil? No, not at all: but definitely overrated in the way it becomes a culture and a way of life. Have I lived it? No; but more often if not always what I have embodied is the opposite, a man passionate, borne and carried by the unpredictable undulations of the game and who lives as though it were the only thing in my life. Why? I don’t know; maybe I have felt so entirely different from everyone I have met I have lived in perpetual fear that if my life were dominated by my real interests, I would be left alone in my world with noone I can really relate to. Or something like. But again, I ask myself now, what is the colour of a chameleon?
Who am I when I realise that the charade gets tiring, that it has no life and ultimately there is no joy-for really, unless one has the freedom to be themselves in a relationship, then can it really be a relationship? Is it really a healthy one? If day by day I live afraid to say I believe that to the last dot of me God cares, therefore why worry? If I live unwilling to have it as clear as daylight from my words and actions God has a plan for healthy marriages which includes or necessitates waiting for marriage for sex and I believe it and I believe that to be in my best interests to everyone, then really, do I know what I stand for if a moment of testing comes? If in my heart I possess an un-bendable and unbreakable belief that God wants every last human being saved, from the “false prophet,” to the “whores on the street” to the self righteous (maybe just ignorant) “I am nothing type of believer” saved to the point of eternal salvation, health, wealth and happy family and so much more but I do not seem any different from the churchy “holier-than-thou” type, then when I need to will I be able to be a witness? I believe a gospel without visible, demonstrated power i.e. healings, tongues, dead-raisings etc. is another nice philosophy and though the base maybe good, it is like a pizza dough without the toppings or like apple-pie without the apple. But then looking at me, how many would know this? And then the question begs itself what is the colour of a chameleon?
The list I know of myself really is long and as I reflect I was wondering how many are like me? How many feel obligated to behave and to live like someone they are not; often by the people most closest to them? How many of the people that we see around us are actually themselves and whether we agree or disagree; when we see them we know we have the real “them.” Others may define what I am attempting to define as a value I possess but have not really lived as authenticity, honesty, or integrity depending on how linguistic they want to be at the moment. I have realised however that a crucial step towards living out who we are often begins when we just get the courage to begin to say it out and when we rally behind one another and support each other to be open and honest about who we really are. This blog has been a wonderful help to me as I have begun living out my journey to a point where I desire everything about how I do life to truly reflect what I value. Already since the time I began, I have completed a book (initial draft at least on prosperity) and am in the process of another on course for another on sex to have the draft done by the end of the year and bit by bit I have been seeing progress.
So I have created a the hashtag #Coloursofachameleon which if you feel you have something you want to let out and maybe you do not know where to begin in this step of authenticity; just feel free to just write it out and breathe free, be on Facebook or on twitter or in the comments section. It maybe something little, it maybe something huge; they maybe a massive response from people, there maybe none but will probably surprise the most is the release you will get when you just share that small thing whatever it maybe. May I add; it is not so much about shocking the people into being your audience as it about experiencing freedom from the prison of trying to meet everyone else’s standards.
And in conclusion, I pray that a revelation of the Father’s love for us His dear children, whom He has accepted in the Beloved and made righteous in the blood of His Son Jesus will burn strong and bright in our hearts. I pray this takes a hold of us and make us realise what truly matters in life, and how to truly deal wisely in the affairs of life. I pray we have a revelation of our identity and become secure in the knowledge that sin is not a hindering issue with God; to demonstrate his love Jesus died whilst we were yet sinners to pay an all sufficient price and that if addiction be a problem we realise, Psalms 91 says “He will deliver from the fowler’s snare;” speaking of traps we find ourselves powerless to conquer. And that as we become secure in our identity, we become an authentic bride, powerful and open to the lost of the world who will come running when in us they see the love they so dearly seek. Amen.